schoolies retrospect: a muddled day-by-day. VOLUME 2

{ DAY 3 : SUNDAY }
It is a sober, quiet day in which the prescence of a greater power is acknowledged with complete heart and awareness by many, particularly one in our number, Ess, and in which the other three of us contemplate the identity and nature of such a higher existence. Of God.
I am anticipating an unconventional day for myself. We are accompanying Ess to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, for she is a Mormon, half from curiousity and half from something elese I cannot quite pinpoint. Ess's religion has always been mysterious to me - what she does on Sundays, and the existence of this quiet, reverent, sober side to her so different from the vibrant, passionate, creative and unconventional personage I am accustomed to. { PN: I have not known Ess as long as Jay and Tea have and so her religious beliefs had never fully factored into how I percieved Ess as a person and concept. Now, of course, I realise that this is a great part of Ess that I'd been forgetting and overlooking, structured religion not playing a very large part of my upbringing. This revelation has added a new depth to Ess that helps me understand her more, like seeing the internals of Tea's house, meeting Aae's large family, and running through Jay's forest. } I feel it is more mysterious for me than anyone else in our little foursome. I come from a spiritual but not exactly religious background and understanding. I believe in a deep, universal power that unites us all and flows into us through nature and other things, but as to the identity of this power I have no inkling. There are so many religious and belief systems in this world that idolise and rever some greater power, credit our existence to it, so their must be something out there. But there is something about organised religions that doesn't sit quite right with me.
I don't like how people, brothers and sisters, can kill each other and die for conflicting beliefs. I don't like half the rules religions can preach. { PN: Gay and Lesbian prejudice, Racial discrimination, being unable to marry others from another religious background, for example. }
I believe in a sort of heaven, limbo and hell {PN: Actually, not hell. } . I respect other people and their ability to have faith so complete and certain.
I woke today deeply contemplating God and his existence, andI think this will be an interesting day for all of us.
I feel sort of honoured that Ess has invited us to share this part of her life with us.
We're almost at the Church.
{PN : The Church was an old white house made of painted brick or a type of concrete, surrounded by green acres and nestled within large, drooping trees. Stones, pinecones and leaf litter made up the driveway and the trees cast light shades over it all. It was an autumn-sort of place. The inside was made up of small rooms and winding hallways, with white arches and old tiles. Sort of Spanish-y or Mexican - all it needed was a second story with a balcony and a lattice full of wildflowers. It was a peaceful, comfortable place, sunny and fresh. }

During the first part of the service, during the testimonies, I felt strange - as if a great expectation was placed upon me, that my life would be somehow less blessed if I were not to join this belief. All the people who testified and acknowledged their religion seemed complete and happy and fortunate - would I be doomed to an incomplete and trouble ridden life if I did not embrace these philosophies and accept these distant, ancient people? { PN: I realise now that it was not their life that had changed, but their outlook. And everything can be changed by outlook and the inner peace of complete faith. } And I was momentarily scared. I felt a pressure. Ess seems to be so happy and her life so comparitively sweet and wonderful - it is not that I don't think she has problems in her life, only that her spirit is so pure and kind and unbreakable, and her family so good, that they would be mere ripples to her tide. {PN: I don't know if that's a good analogy or not, but that's what came out as I wrote, my back against the glass door of the unit's entrance while I avoided watching Kill Bill }
Would my mother be better? Would the negative thoughts that oft times plague me disappear?
But I do not have faith. I could take up the mantle of this religion, I could follow the rules. I could do the sacrament and say the prayers and sing the hymns. But would I cry at the pulpit, overwhelmed with the Spirit? Would I believe unerringly that the prophets and God and Jesus are true? It saddens me, but no. Not at this point in my life. I do not have the faith within me to. There would always be doubts, a bridge, a link, uncrossed and unmade between me and that world. And to me, that would be fraudelent and wrong.
In that moment I resolved to keep believing as I do, but cultivate positivity and goodness withing myself to live in such a righteous and good way as Ess and the kind Latter Day Saints do that I met at the service. The Universe, God, Allah, that greater power, Providence or Fate, I believe is there - under what name I do not know. But it is there. And maybe if I live this way, maybe I will be okay.

{ DAY 4 : MONDAY }
'Morning. It's monday, the day we had orginally planned to leave. We're still up in the air on this point - we had decided to stay another day and leave Tuesday, but Ess has suddenly decided she will leave today with M, so I'm unsure as to what the rest of us will be doing now. It's raining - not really Schoolies weather, so maybe we could go home, without the roadtrip we had been excited for. {PN: I'm cutting a bit out here, as all it entails is me talking to myself, debating what to do, even though it wasn't exactly rocket science. I'd made a bigger deal about it all than it was, really. I'm prone to frustration after disrupted and haphazardous sleep patterns, and it's all just smoke without fire - it dissipates quickly after a brief period of obession. }
Yesterday evening, after a lazy day, we went out to the Observatory up the road. The cloudy, overcast day was swept up by some nice cool breezes and peeled back to reveal an clear, intensely blue sky, and we thought all'd be well. But alas! Clouds swept back over again, translucently veiling the night sky, and all we had oppurtunity to see was a murky crescent moon. It was beautiful still though - the craters were all clear and amazing, and the powdery, off-white surface visible and breathtaking.
We then watched a presentation on space and learned a bit about our universe and the galaxies therein - it is all so unfathomly vast and the stars and galaxies so beautiful, and to think we are all made up of this stardust and that in looking to the sky we look to the past and may see the universe at its known beginnings, it's all truly humbling abd reassuring. It is impossible that we are alone here.

It got me to thinking about the universe and it saddens me to see images of its possible end, no matter how impossibly far away it is. Can it have an end if our time ends with that distance? What lies beyond it? More and more {universes} onto eternity? And I know that it is such questions that turns people to religion and beliefs, and why science can never ever fully explain the happenings and reasons for our existence here. Onwards and outwards, forever and ever.
I suppose we shouldn't fear the unknown, because we don't even know if there is anything to be afraid of. It's all quite awe-inspiring really.
Is it true to say we can depend on infinity?

{PN: This note is scrawled at the top of my journal, like 'Umbilical Brothers: Speedmouse' and ' The Open Door Album (Your Star) Evanescence' : 'In my opinion, we can say that the universe is infinite because our time ends where it does.'}

{PN: The Observatory is manned by volunteers who are old and very helpful. Their passion for the stars and outer space beyond us is infectious and tangible. It exists about them like a soft wave, or invisible light. One old man upon leaving talked to us outside in the orange electric door light of the observatory, half in light and half in darkness, about the stars of the Southern Cross, and how it may always guide us home. He had a kind, content face witha profuse of wrinkles from smiling, large glasses and a short, portly stature.
The Observatory itself was small and quaint, with a particular old charm to it. There were some glow-in-the-dark stars and a painted model on our solar system in one corner, all hung about by a night-colouref fabric with a shooting star and star cluster on it, and maybe a solar flare, though I am unsure. It reminded me of an old theatre. The first film we watched was a grainy documentary about rockets. I sat in the front row beside MT and Cath, giggling inwardly with MT as a young boy up the back repeatedly piped up with things like 'The big spot on Jupiter is infact a giant storm'. The man would compliment him on his knowledge and offer a little more, and then patiently continue with his presentation. Afterwards we followed the dark road home in Cath's car, with the crashing beach on our left (a drop down high dunes tangled with many trees, rocks and shrub - it was like the land gave way beyond the street lights to a mysterious shadow land, incredibly vast, of grumbling storm) and the dark presences of the evergreens that lined the road, piercing like spires the sky, on our right. We had a light dinner, then watched the Umbilical brothers, and Jay and I retired upstairs to sleep in the boys't unit for lack of beds in the girls'.}

It's raining and cool. A welcome change, though I've enjoyed the heat and sun and beach. Not a day for a roadtrip but we could give it a shot. 'Won't be the same without Ess of course but we'll make do.
My parents would disagree and many other people with them, but to me, this is driving weather. {PN: The rain at one point on the way home was infact so heavy that I contemplated pulling over on the freeway - and rain has never been that great a fear of mine whilst driving. We literally couldn't see. } Perhaps we shall leave after lunch {PN: Jace made tacos. :) } and play a bit of Pictionary with Jace {PN: We didn't. We did play Texas Hold'em Poker though, which I was awesome at. And Uno, which, when I tried, I didn't suck too bad at.} A spot of Uno too, maybe - everyone loves Uno. I love the sound of rain.


{PN: My diary ends here. We did infact end up leaving after tacos and stopped at a few places for old time's sake, like Bulahdehlah and Coopernook, and I sent a postcard to myself which should get here soon. It's a tradition I've decided to start - to draw on a postcard from every place I go to and send it to myself. We reached home late afternoon (my place) and Jay and Tea crashed there. We watched Star Wars V and VI (I'd never seent them before, and Ess, Tea and Jay were adament I be intiated) and went op-shopping the next day. We found a great many awesome things to, I must say. Then, I took the two of them home - we stayed at a park for a while, talking on a play set, waiting for Jay's car to meet us there (she's got her first car!!! :D ) and then I dropped Tea off at her house two streets over. She gave me a tour of her house ( a happening only few of us can appreciate ) excepting her room and I came home. And it was as if I'd never left.}

The End.