When you are 18 the world is very small and your are very selfish.
You also feel infinitely old.
This I have recently discerned. At least, it's a true summation of me.
I feel like I must know what-who-how-why-where I am, and anxiety grows from the uncertainty. I am absorbed in myself. Who I want to be, what I want to do with my life, the necessity of knowing now against the imagined peril of un-knowing.
I want to write-draw-direct-sleep-illustrate-love-venture-discover-settle-fall. I want this and I want that.
My world, myself, me and I.
30 seems close and ancient and the very last oppurtunity for living and dreaming. Even though, with a little perspective, one can be reassured that it truly isn't.
I am 18 years old, and in another 18 I will be 36. And in another 36, I will be 74. And that's (touch wood) a long way away.
And 74 isn't even that old.
I have started to believe that it is only in thinking-rushing-scrabbling for success and direction that one can truly age the soul, and that this is why, at the moment, I am so topsy-turvy and frazzled around the edges. I am trying to shine like a burning flame, forgetting that in burning the foundations of a fire quickly smoulder and float away on the breeze, lost and fragmented.
We must learn to flow like water. We must learn to breathe and let the current take us, us fervent, frightened, fiery 18 year olds. We are infinitely young. We must make mistakes and learn from them. We must be open to change and possibility.
Graphic Designer, Writer, Director, Nomad, whatever. Let's just see what happens.
Things aren't what they seem through the looking glass.
{{The Author wants to caution the reader that for all her idealism and attempts at philosophy and peace, she is only 18 after all, and a very noob-y 18 year old at that.
She is also a hypocrite, and will continue to moan and fuss and worry about her future and the loss of time for a while yet.... maybe until she turns 19.}}
why I'm here
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- indi
- I am trying to understand the entirety of my existence, and while I don't want to be preoccupied with figuring it all out, I suppose I am all the same.
2 comments:
My contribution.
You cannot possibly know what you will be. Some things you choose to be and do, but even when the choices are made and the doings done, over time they will probably take on a completely different significance from the original intent.
Don't fret yourself away. Do what you think is right. Try things out. Discard what you don't like, to make room for more ideas that you do.
It's hard, at 18, to understand that your life experience is gong to be just that, an experience. The collected works and doings of Indi, hopefully over many, many years. It's not over - it's just begun; and I guess maybe that's still true, even on your last day. What's the difference in how many days you think you have "left", when you have now, and now is the only time that is. So, be 18.
I read this post and felt it wash over me like a picture made of words and feelings, and felt peace and confidence that you will find what it is you're looking for. I believe this because your eyes are open and your heart is in the search. 18 is a brilliant time of life!
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